When the black dog strikes again....

really like this picture!

Since leaving my job and having more of a flexible, free lifestyle I've had more opportunity to pay attention to my emotional state and how to manage my feelings.  

From late autumn last year I was quite depressed about the redundancy period being prolonged for longer and longer, I was desperate to leave and couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I went back on medication for a little while and early this year I could see my mood improving slowly but surely (going on holiday to Brazil in February helped with that!) and left my job at the end of March.

At first my mood was positive but I was extremely tired and sleepy but after a month or so I had boundless energy, slept only 4 hours or so, was full of ideas (hence the blogging mania!) and excitement and felt like every day was Christmas.  I was advised to take the medication for at least 6 months but stopped taking it around May because I didn't feel I needed it. Therapy has helped me notice patterns in my mood, and last year my experience was similar.  I went to my GP and said that I felt on top of the world but that I'd not been 2 years without a depressive episode and no matter how good I feel, there always seems to be something that drives me back into depression. And I was right! I don't want to go into everything that's happened recently but the EU referendum result and running out of money were two main things that really had a negative impact on me.

When I have an episode of hypomania I have what seems like endless energy and motivation and I can feel in a total state of bliss.  The downside to hypomania is, the heightened state means that any emotions whether they're positive or negative are stronger (in a depressive episode I'm too apathetic to feel anything, I just feel empty).   For instance, when I went on the Brexit protest march to Parliament, I felt amazing being united with people who felt the same as me and it was such a great atmosphere and there were moments where I felt euphoric.  But at the same time, I would look around me and see all the homeless people and desperation and feel pure rage (It's quite unsettling feeling euphoria and rage within the same day!) My ability to cope with stress is getting better as I get older but  when too many things that upset or anger me happen, I reach a threshold and end up sinking into depression again.

Can you stop depression in its tracks?

I'm putting this to the test right now! My popular blog: http://samanthathesanevegan.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/5-things-to-do-when-black-dog-strikes.html I wrote last year was written with this aim and yet I had another depressive episode later that year.  The trouble was, I was in denial that I was depressed and I waited too long to address it before seeking help. I didn't feel quite as bad as how I felt in 2014 but I was still pretty bad and ended up binge-eating and not doing any exercise.  As I've talked about in my blog that I wrote for Time to Change http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/when-people-judge-me-it-can-make-my-depression-worse we're often bombarded with 'inspirational' messages that tell us we can achieve anything we want if only we think positively, as if it were that easy.  Such messages make it seem like depression is a choice to be lazy, apathetic or pessimistic and this is why it can be hard to admit you have it. Awareness is being raised and slowly attitudes are changing.

So do my 5 steps work?  Let's see

Step 1: Recognise the signs early and intervene as early as possible.

So firstly, I did recognise the warning signs that a depressive episode was about to occur and made an appointment with my GP.  I said that I was worried about sinking back into depression because of my life situation so I said that I wanted to go on medication again.  But after not very long I noticed it negatively affecting my energy levels and questioned whether it was worth it (fatigue is one of many possible side effects of medication).  Being in the process of starting my own business, a franchisee of another business and doing personal training at the gym, I cannot afford to have low energy levels! I think because I've always had recurring depressive episodes throughout the course of my life it's like I feel one is due and I can't grasp the concept that I'm not actually depressed. But there's a difference being in a depressive episode and just being a bit pissed off and frustrated! (and it's the latter right now!) There's nothing wrong with being on medication if it helps you but I felt it wasn't really necessary for me at this time. 

Step 2: Keep a balance between working too much and too little.  

This has been difficult for me to judge lately.  Whenever you decide to work as a freelancer, there are certainly a great number of advantages as I've mentioned in my blog: http://samanthathesanevegan.blogspot.co.uk/2016/06/

whats-wrong-with-not-wanting-to-work.html.  The downside is, in the beginning there is an awful lot of paperwork and when you're first starting, it feels like you're putting in hours and hours of time  and effort and getting little to no money in return and it's very stressful.  But it's true that worthwhile things don't come easily and I'm determined to carry on! This is my personal decision and if others want to decide it's not worth it or prefer or need the security of a regular pay cheque that's fine of course.  My passion for nutrition, food and health keeps me going through all the difficulty!

Step 3: Seek out sources of comfort

Although I have a never-ending 'to-do' list, I'm having life-coaching, and this has been really good for helping me get a balance of things that need to be done urgently and what can be left for later, so that there is still room for the things I enjoy in my life.  I've been getting back into baking, I've been skating in the park, made positive playlists for different moods, created a board on Pinterest and I've bought myself quite a few second hand DVDs so I can watch an episode of something after a long day.  I also find blogging to be a source of comfort, as a lot of the time when I feel negative it's because I have pent-up feelings, and it's a kind of release.

Step 4: Let go of guilt 

Ross was allowed to be frustrated!

When I wrote that blog last year I was mainly talking about the kind of guilt you feel about having 'first world problems' and that you're not allowed to be upset because there are others worse off.  We can often have this drilled into us and of course when we hear about famine, war and terrorism our problems pale in comparison.  But is that really relevant when it comes to your own sense of wellbeing? 

It might sound a bit harsh but before the media, we wouldn't have been aware of problems in the world that have nothing to do with us.  Of course I give money to non-profit organisations where I can and sign lots of campaigns about things I feel strongly about.  It's a sign you have a good heart if you always feel like you want to help those less fortunate but it doesn't mean that your problems are insignificant.

I'm very grateful that at this time of transition into freelancing where I'm short of money I have a roof over my head and I've not gone hungry thanks to my parents. I'm well aware that there are homeless people, people stuck in jobs they hate without the option to leave, people whose parents are dead and people who don't get on with their parents at all.  But do I still hate the fact that I live with my parents at the age of 32 and don't have my own space? YES! The fact that most people have a very low standard of living whilst a small minority live in pure luxury is unjust but it shouldn't be regarded as something we have to settle for.  The answer is to do what you can to change your situation if you're unhappy with it and that's what I'm in the process of doing! 

For more on letting go of guilt see my blog:
http://samanthathesanevegan.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/more-guilty-nutritional-therapy.html

Step 5: Read Sane New World! 

I really like Ruby Wax because she's so down to earth and she has a similar sense of humour to me.  The funny thing is, I got out her recent book which is about mindfulness (paying attention and being present) but my concentration is too bad for me to read it! Ha ha!  Oh well, I'm going to take it step by step and not give myself a deadline to finish it.

I don't know whether my depression has gone for good, but it appears to be at bay right now. Like cancer or other illnesses, we never know whether they're going to recur, and what works for one person won't work for another.  If people find something that works for them, great! & for those with (seemingly) resistant depression, new treatments are being pioneered all the time, so there is hope, even if you can't see it. There are so many different methods, no one is necessarily right or wrong and when it comes to ways of treating depression:...........